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How to Save the World

Coltsfoot - Highly Poisonous

Coltsfoot – Highly Poisonous

Bing. Bong.
“That’ll be her now.” June pushed her bra strap back up, she tucked it under the strap of the black vest she wore with her loose black trousers. Mary was wearing her long black skirt and black cape but June, being more physical, didn’t like to feel restricted when casting a spell.
Mary opened the door to a slight, elderly lady in a beige skirt, floral top and a floppy pink sun hat. “Hello, Evadne,” she said importantly, “Please come in.” she stood back, invitingly. “I’m Mary, and this . . .”
“Ah. Of course.” Evadne interrupted “You must be The Vicked Vitch of the Vest!”
June glared at her. “I’m June.” she said jerking her bra strap up abruptly.
“There now dear. Just my little joke.” Evadne said soothingly. They all sat down.
“Would anyone like a nice cup of herbal tea?” Mary said into the awkward silence. “The Red Berry Mix is very earthing.”
“I feel the vibration of. . . Hibiscus.” said June with her fingers resting lightly on her temples.
“Could I have a cup of coffee, do you think?” asked Evadne, “With one sugar would be nice.”
“Erm, yes of course.” Mary raised her eyebrows at June.
“Now.” June began seriously, “The world is in need of powerful magic. The old beliefs are lost and ignored, witchcraft no longer commands the respect it deserves. I propose that the three of us form a coven and invoke the oldest and most powerful spell of them all.”
“Oh. What a lovely idea.” Evadne smiled brightly. “Which spell were you thinking of, dear?”
“Double, double. Toil and trouble.” June’s voice shook with the power implicit in the words.
“The ingredients are our first business, then.” Mary did her best to copy June’s portentous tone.
“Eye of newt and wool of bat.”
“Oh, no, no.” Evadne shook her head emphatically, “I’m sorry dear but I am a strict vegan, could we have something a little more, er vegetarian?”
June’s eyes flashed but clamping her jaw closed, she reached into her tote bag for her phone. “Magical. Plants.” she pronounced each word slowly as she tapped the letters in. She flipped through the results. “Coltsfoot, that’s a good one, deadly poison.”
“Oh, the poor little horses.” Evadne murmured.
“Mandrake.” A statement, June didn’t even bother ask.
“Wolfsbane.”
“Well now dear,” Evadne interrupted, “I’m sure there must be an easier way. Whenever I have a little problem, you know, I just turn my hat inside out. Like this. And then I put it on back to front. Like this.” she turned to June with a girlish smile and a coquettish tilt of her head.
Well. That did it. That was the last straw. June exploded!
A few soggy bits splatted against the cupboards behind her. Accompanying the vast sound, too short to actually be heard, a cloud of sluggish brown smoke roiled and swirled – finally settling into a a neat pile of dust that trickled over the edge of the chair that June had so lately occupied.
“Dry as dust.” murmured Evadne shaking her head, “No sense of humour, you know.” She flipped her hat the right way round and popping it back on her head, stood up and reached over to take Mary’s stunned hand.
“I must be going dear, it’s been lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for the coffee.” She paused with her hand on the door. “I’m sorry about the mess dear, but I’m sure she’ll vacuum up quite easily.”

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Miranda Stone
    2014-06-27 at 17:31

    What a cute little story, David! Made me laugh.

    Like

    • 2014-06-27 at 18:58

      Glad you liked it – you know where it came from, of course. I aim to keep my posts around 250 – 300 words but when I tried to cut this one down below 600 words I got a stern look from Evadne so I thought I better leave it alone.

      Like

      • Miranda Stone
        2014-06-28 at 00:29

        I think Evadne was right. It’s just the right length as is. šŸ™‚

        Like

  2. 2014-06-28 at 01:20

    Thank you for your kind words – I thought anything would be better than another whinge about poisonous plants!

    Like

  3. 2014-07-01 at 20:17

    David, Love the name Evadne!! Wherever did you find it? And I love the exploding witch. The idea of hoovering her right up is hilarious in a dark and twisted way. Glad I stopped by! Hugs, Brenda

    Like

    • 2014-07-01 at 21:10

      Hi Brenda – Glad you liked the story it is a bit longer than I usually like to post.

      Evadne is a part of various Greek tragedies – leaving her son to die in the desert or throwing herself on her husbands funeral pyre from time to time – so she’s been around for a while.

      My Evadne comes from 1970-80 British comedy female impersonators who performed as Hinge and Bracket – two genteel ladies – retired (supposed) opera singers – Dr Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket. Typical understated British humour of that period. Two maiden ladies struggling to maintain ‘standards’ while competing with each other – all in the nicest possible way!

      I’m not sure how poor June came to be hoovered up – I think Evadne suggested it – she really didn’t like June right from the beginning. She was quite cross with me for getting her involved with those two amateurs, so I just did what I was told.

      Hope the back gets better soon – it’s horrible trying to work when the pain is just swamping your mind.

      Like

      • 2014-07-02 at 01:25

        My back is improving, but I can’t say the same for my temper. Nothing makes me as irritable as giving up almost all carbs. All good carbs. Sigh. Living with back pain is too big a price to pay for carbs, though.

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